The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
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Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I feel this so hard
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.