wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
some Old Testament wisdom
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg