I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
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I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
The Book. The Movie.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels