God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
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I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Some people were born into their job.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.