Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
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When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
The Others (2001)
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.