Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
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I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Oh thanks BBC.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night