GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”