*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
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“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*