My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
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Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
SF is the wild wild west man
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
When he asks for feet pics
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Flock of bats
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Air conditioning – not a fan
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?