Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
You Might Also Like
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.