I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
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I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.