One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
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date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.