I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
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If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
This 4th of July, please remember…
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
synchronized noseblowing
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza