Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.