Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Body by sandwich.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”