She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
You Might Also Like
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.