I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
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Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
the official breakfast of 2021
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive