The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.