How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
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[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.