brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
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Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I forgot how to panic. Help
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
welp
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea