Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
You Might Also Like
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“no gods no masters” = leo
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”