my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
You Might Also Like
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.