I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
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Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.