I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
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I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Just a reminder, folks:
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel