It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.