Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
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Safety first
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
A little too much information.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager