I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
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Personal question. #JustSaying
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.