WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.