For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
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I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.