16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
What
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Brilliant!
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.