[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
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[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.