Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
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The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet