Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
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*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
The legends speak of a third Duran…