I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
inventing words: clothing
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going