Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I can’t stop laughing at this
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project