COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
You Might Also Like
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.