[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
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Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
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