the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
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I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Pat is about to own someone