*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
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When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea