“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
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Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
“our sushi is very fresh”
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.