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Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
The struggle is real
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀