I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
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When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Growing up was a huge mistake
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.