Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
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INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
We found love in a hopeless place.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Good morning!
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park