Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
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One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?