“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
You Might Also Like
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
yeah not falling for this one
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I’m calling the cops.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button