NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.