It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
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I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Tell the colonel to bring it
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.