I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
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[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.