I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Which wines pair best with gloating?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?