It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
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I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed